Sorry for the inconvenience

My gym costs me ten dollars a month (!) so you can imagine that I don’t expect much, but it’s surprisingly great.

The locker rooms have marble sinks, powerful hot showers and bathroom stalls with a good ratio of in-swinging door to placement of commode. Both husbands (sequentially, of course) have frequently heard me lament the lack of space (in so many, many places from the Metropolitan Opera to Molly Pitcher’s Rest Stop on the Jersey Turnpike) to actually enter the stall before my pants/skirt/sweater/coat is in calamitous contact with the usually-spattered front of ladies’ toilets --yuck!

Anyway, the gym also has tons of cool equipment, hot Spanish guys in wifebeaters and tattoos, treadmills and stairmaster-type machines galore, and happily available 7.5 lb weights that I use to attempt Michelle Obama arms.

They only have one scale in the ladies locker room and I decided tonight that I would alight upon it (ha ha) in order to mark for real my progress or lack thereof.

It wasn’t in the main room so I scouted and as I approached, I noticed a handwritten

note scotch-taped to the top. It was from the management.

It said: “This scale works but it adds between ten or fifteen pounds to your actual weight.

Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Since last I blogged we have been insanely busy.

Saturday we played 2 Bar Mitzvahs—(herring, one tiny potato pancake, a few bites of chicken breast and really only two bites of prime rib, and a bowl of fresh fruit cup—BarM #1; and one tiny potato pancake, 2 bites of pizza bagel, one handful of curley fries, one pile of asparagus and green beans, and one scoop of chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and after I ate the sprinkles in the melted ice cream I dumped another huge spoonful of chocolate sprinkles over it and ate that too—oy it was already almost midnight—2 glasses of cranberry juice and one glass of Cabernet—BarM #2.

Sunday my friend came over with her fabulous new baby adopted from Ethiopia and we cooed for hours while my baby twins smiled with interest and respect. My chicken soup wasn’t ready in time so we got Chinese and I had chicken with broccoli and white rice and 2 big spoonfuls of sesame noodles. Had a waffle for breakfast—Lowfat, Eggo, whole grain. I also made one for the dogs—their FAVORITE food.

Monday we had a crazy day in the City with 4 appointments to see sites for our camp so I ate nothing all day except an iced coffee and then came home and ate tons of my chicken soup which, the babies agreed was “DEEEE-licious!”

I also discovered Turkey Hill brand low fat frozen yogurt. Had a bowl of banana split just now, but today also included tuna salad, a multigrain bagel, 2 plums, 4 or 5 Wheat Thins, chicken soup—and that is all.

I’m really gonna have to start—shoulda been doing this all along, duh-- carefully weighing myself, and carefully portioning out my food.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Oozing

My fabulous sisters-- One, a Doctor! The other, a Professor!-- and I are making a 50th anniversary party for our parents. Actually, my parents are insisting on paying for it, which should be some indication of why my sisters turned out so fabulous-- we really got lucky with our Mom and Dad, I gotta tell you.

So-- since I don't have a real job, and because I do hang out at parties a lot, it is I who have been getting emails all day from Glatt Kosher restaurants all over the city proffering their menus and per person costs, with or without wine.

Israeli heirloom tomatoes with broccolini and roasted pine nuts!
Macadamia chicken with pineapple coconut drizzle!
Duck rillette with red onion marmalade!
Tuna tostada with mango pinwheels!
potato profiteroles!
and my favorite:
Molten chocolate cake (MOLTEN!!!)
served warm, OOZING (OOZING!!!) WITH CHOCOLATE GANACHE!!!

Ay yay yay!

Sruli says if I get turned on like this, no diet on earth will hold me.

Last night we ran to go out because Aaron was home to watch the already-sleeping twins.
I was unbelievably hungry--I had just been to the gym--and I know its bad to eat at night
but I ate roast beef and turkey and tons of beans and things at the salad bar.

This morning I had that yucky feeling of needing to eat more because my stomach
was expecting it.

I HATE that feeling and I haven't had it for a whole week.

Today I tried to relax and had some Wheat Thins (less than a serving--BTW Wheat Thins are the best cracker ever invented) with some egg salad-- a small serving of Grape Nuts
(BTW Grape Nuts are the best cereal ever invented) and then a chicken breast
with veggies for dinner.

I did have some dark chocolate--I got this great big bar for 99 cents.
It was worth it just to hear the twins clamor for "shockit."

I don't understand people who don't love food. It's like they don't love life, or have passion, or enjoy things or can ever be truly happy. I don't even trust them.

Really good food, the anticipation of it, the sitting down for it, the first bites of it-- is, to me,
one of the only two great bodily pleasures.

Food is second, BTW, but this is a food blog.

So-- G-d Willing, my sisters and I are going to make a sincerely heartfelt, warm, musical, speechiful and nachasful party for our most wonderful parents, and we are going to have molten chocolate cake, oozing with happiness.

Housewife's Lament

"Oh Life is a toil
And Love is a struggle
Beauty will Fade
and Riches will Flee
Pleasures they Dwindle
And Prices they Double
And Nothing is How
I would Wish it to Be"

I sang this English Ballad all hepped up in a hot pink feather boa with a big band behind me--the audience laughing and singing along. It's called the Housewife's Lament and it's all about-- dirt.

Spent 3 hours (3 really solid hours!) cleaning last night while Sruli took the babies (and Zachary) to the Target Mall. You should see our Klez Office-- it's glittery. You should see my living room floor-- it's glossy. Bags of stuff outta here. I feel 25 pounds lighter...
Speaking of which.

I'm really thinking before I eat, lately. Maybe because of this blog, but also because I'm beginning to notice how much better I feel.
Also that I was able to fit back into my Isaac Mizrahi skirt (from Target) after only a week.
I've been getting such nice encouragement from friends all over-- Thank You.

Today I went to Dunkin Donuts with Zachary for breakfast and I DID NOT
order anything other than an iced coffee. Ok, I did take a few bites of the twins' wheat bagel,
but that does not count at all.
I had some yummy tuna salad and for a late dinner some rotisserie chicken and one entire bottle of fancy beer from Canada.

When I was at Diet Center, way waaaaaaay back when I was 26, alchohol was strictly forbidden.
I did 8 weeks of dieting where every single thing I was allowed to eat fit on the back of a business card. Carrots weren't on the list-- too much sugar. Broccoli too-- can you imagine? Too much sugar, in broccoli? Hard core. I lost 36 pounds and I am embarrassed to admit that I even had my bosses chasing me down the halls.
(Back then I guess there was no such thing as sexual harrassment)

Anyway, alchohol was forbidden. I didn't really like alchohol much back then, so it wasn't such a big deprivation. Now-- bring it on-- especially bourbon and red wine.

Aaron, my 15 year old, who is a Men's Health Magazine maven knows the caloric content of everything. I'm going to ask him to make me a list of all my foods. He already told me about peanut butter (100 cal per tablespoon) and olive oil (140 cal per tablespoon) and I was too depressed then to ask him anything else.

Ok-- enough lollygagging: Today, I also ate some leftover eggplant stew, one slice of pizza,
and 2 squares of dark dark chocolate with sea salt.
I've been drinking lots of tea-- made the Christopher Hitchens' way, according to his memoir.
Russian Caravan-- a tremendous tea.

Haven't been to the gym in 3 days-- but cleaning last night made me sweat
as much as watching Saeb Erekat on CNN during treadmill.
Hope to go tomorrow tho' it's Sisyphean, the gym.
Which brings me back to the Housewife's Lament:

"There are worms on the cherries and slugs on the roses
And ants in the sugar and mice in the pies
The rubbish of spiders no mortal supposes
And ravaging roaches and damaging flies...
With grease and with grime from corner to center
Forever at war and forever alert...
She lay down her broom, her apron she folded
She lay down and died and was buried in dirt."

Queens!

Nothin' like goin' home to Mom's for Dinner.
My family is connected by some psychic fiber optics-- I mentioned to my parents that I will drop by with the baby twins-- I show up and my ENTIRE family is there!
What a party-- my fabulous sisters! My fabulous nieces! Chicken Soup! Roast Beef! Breaded Chicken Wings! Tofutti Cuties!
Queens food is the best in the world. Mom's food is the best in the world.
Ahh.
My parents are going to be celebrating their 50th Anniversary, G'W, this December.
It's an incredible modern-day achievement-- I won't get there.
I think the secret to a good marriage, besides the wife being a good cook-- I'm serious--
is that each respects the others' spheres-- and one of the pair is easygoing.
Think around to all the good marriages you know-- right?
There was an article in the Times about this, some years ago.
The happiest marriages are when she says something and he says yes.
The LEAST happy marriages are when he says something and she says yes.
The usual marriages are when everything has to be discussed.
Oy. (I have something to discuss with Sruli when I finish this...)
People, even grown up people, tend to put their parents in hazy boxes--
Dad's a workaholic, Mom's sweet and accommodating...
When they are always together they sort of both add up to one person.
" A Parents."
My big boys are getting to know my ex and me separately-- and it must be weird
for them.
I will say on the record that I have the best divorce of anybody I know-- and probably
the best divorce in NY.
I credit my ex first, then me.
The boys are relaxed and happy, poopoopoo, and they enjoy spending time
with each of us-- I can't even breathe with how grateful I am.
Sruli's ex is a liar and a thief who stole his girls and will not let us see each other at all
and it's been almost 5 years.
(600k can do that, apparently.)
But back to my parents and the family and the food.
I tend to let it all go when I'm there-- my Mom really IS a storybook mom who is
sweet and accommodating and I've always been very close to my Dad so it's kind of like
regressing into that "I am not responsible for myself" childpose,
which is, of course what got me into trouble in the first place.
ButI didn't do too badly, this time, there, in Queens.
My sister noticed that my sweater looked loose.
Ahh.

Meat and Eggplant Stew

Oh the deliciousness of the Farmer's Market! The roughly laid out bounty, the bright colors, those handmade baskets, vegetables that you swear you should eat more of, the wholesome Amish people, the mouth-puckering pickles and tomatoes and apples of every subset of every variety.
And the pies, YUM!
But-- since I know I will have to answer to you and the rest of the Mark Zuckerberg club (just saw "The Social Network"-- wow-- more on that later) I concentrated on the veggies with the one infraction of the ginger scone which I already apologized for last post.
Cube up 3 fresh eggplants-- I used 2 white and 1 purple
Put eggplant in colander, sprinkle with salt all around and let sit for half an hour
Slice an onion and sweat in olive oil on the bottom of a heavy stew pot
Dredge about 3 lbs of cubed chuck steak in flour seasoned with salt, pepper and paprika
Brown the meat in the frying onions
Add a half-cup of water to pot of meat and onions and cover. Cook for half hour.
Add one or two fresh cubed tomatoes to pot and
add eggplant and any other veggies you have:
I added a couple of yellow zucchini and 2 potatoes-- cubed again!
Stir all together grind some fresh pepper over it
and let cook for another half-hour til meat is soft and yummy.
Serve over whole wheat couscous.
I also had a couple of sips of beer.
This morning I ate a whole grain waffle and then
(Dunkin Donuts again!) a multigrain bagel with tuna salad
for lunch. Oh, I did have a few bites of a corn muffin-- VERY BAD.
Dinner was that stew-- and even the men in my family (almost everyone)
ate it all up!
At the movies tonight I ate the equivalent of a medium popcorn-- please
someone tell me that movie popcorn (no extra butter, yich, or anything)
isn't as bad as everyone says... and a handful or two of yogurt raisins.
This movie is takke fascinating-- the coldness and cluelessness of Zuckerberg, Facebook's founder is so bizarrely juxtaposed with this need to be loved and included.
It's such a modern tale-- bracketed by lawsuit after lawsuit. That must be such
a drag for him-- but it doesn't sound like he really has much of a life, frankly.
I spend much too much time trolling Facebook and most of my friends do too--
it has become our way of being friends-- and it is convenient as hell.
And the concept of posting every last thing you do-- and every last
thing you eat-- is a modern tale, too.
Luckily life still has farmer's markets.

Gonna eat you up!

I can't even tell you how many times I've said this to my little Johnny Xylo-- his round face with those blond angel curls, laughing pink cheeks and the sudden happy flash of white baby teeth, his big big blue blue eyes and his soft belly, strong calves and chunky feet--he is truly something substantial and dinner worthy. (So much for my not wanting to write about the kinderlakh...) Charlie Re, his twin and partner in making us so poopoopoo doubly blessed is much more delicate-- an even bigger mop of darker blond curls but a tiny little girly self that would barely do for a snack...
Ok, I eat her up too.
I don't know where this comes from, but I was PETRIFIED when my Aunt Jenny would come over when I was little and give me "bities." I SWORE then I would never do that to any child and, well, here I am.
Of course the babies love it, as did my older boys and if I did it to your baby he would squeal and love it too.
I just came from a gallery installation of Grimm's Fairy Tales brought to life in little peepshows of horror and I remember reading those Hansel and Gretel stories as well as "A Cavelcade of Witches" when I was about ten-- the only porn I was allowed--and there was lots of eating of little children and it was scary as hell.
Folk tales were created to scare children into being good-- and there is very little ambiguity of character: children=good, strangers/witches(see also stepmothers)/wolves=bad. So don't go into the woods by yourself and talk to that wolf in granny's clothing.
Being eaten up was the absoute worst thing that could happen to you.
Nowadays it isn't.
Nowadays I guess you only eat what you love and you love your children most of all.
Anyway, besides my babies, todayI ate:
One very delicious ginger scone (!) that I absolutely have been feeling yuckily guilty about all day...but it was fresh from the Englewood Farmer's Market from the Amish Country...
And organic...(?)
2 fried eggs in Pam and one small baked and naked potato.
One roll of tuna sushi.
One multigrain bagel from DD with a small shmear of jelly (REALLY didn't need that, Lisa)
I blueberry smoothie-- but medium is the new large and I had a small. (YAY!!!)
1 really nice salad with grilled chicken, some black beans and tomatoes with a very small portion of guac.
2 small squares of dark chocolate with sea salt--OMG is this a find!!!
A friend who hadn't seen me in a few weeks noticed that I looked "better."
Nothing Grim about that.

Two Bites Away

Seven years ago when I was hot (as opposed to hot flashing like now) when people would say: oh, what's your diet goal I would say: I want to be two bites away from binging.
Right now I am less than one bite away, and the flim flam curtain separating me from total porcine-isitis is laughably and ironically thin.

Anyway, so many many things are happening that it's hard to concentrate on what I SHOULDN'T be doing...

We are still looking for a new place to site our groovy new summer camp. To this end I attended a freakishly fun "conference" of camp directors yesterday (didn't blog cos I was so exhausted from hiking around the 35 acres of gorgeousness, trying to make new friends in a completely new world, meeting impressively impressive people who really truly un-ironically care about children and delighting them, AND actually throwing a clay pot on a wheel which I haven't done since I was 15 at Camp Usdan) where they served a seriously generous breakfast and lunch (smoked salmon, quarter of a wheat bagel, salad, quarter of a chocolate croissant (sorry) 2 slices of turkey, one small shish of grilled chicken, more salad, one mini hamburger, tons of sushi (which no matter how much I eat has absolutely 0 calories no matter what you say) and (sorry, again) one tiny brownie and one half a chocolate chip cookie) and I realized that there are some jobs in life as well as some level of competence that I can never hold and never achieve.

Today we looked at more sites on the Upper West Side and I saw something I loved (a magical place, really) and one of its attributes is that it's on the 5th floor of a school with no elevator!!
Yay, tighter thighs!!

Happily we got to walk around the magnificent UWS on this magnificent day with the Baby Twins stopping traffic as ususal with their curly blond heads. I really feel blessed every minute with them. With my older boys too, actually--but I am superstitiously petrified to write good things about my poopoopoo children...

Met our slim friend who LOVES to eat but eats s-l-o-w-l-y and enjoys the company much more than the food-- there is definitely a lesson here-- and we went to this yummy shwarma place so including the shwarma-in-a-pita and a side of hummus (which I gave half of to Sruli) today I ate one-half a wheat roll with exactly 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, one half of an Eggo low-fat whole-grain waffle, 2 small slices of meatloaf with exactly 14 potato chips that make a 150 calorie serving like it says on the bag, lettuce doused with tahini from yet another falafel place (it's becoming a fetish, I know) and just now a few squares of 86% dark chocolate with some skim milk. Sruli gets me these DE-licious chocolate bars but other than that shoots me looks when I try to order too much "unnecessary" food at falafel places...

Trouble is, 4 days into this new "life happy plan where eating shouldn't be so important to you, Lisa," I still LOVE eating.

The good news is that even though right now I am not even one nibble away,
4 days into this I am already starting to take two bigger bites out of life. Really.